Dear Camp Trans Campers, Working Group Members, and other members of the broader radical queer/trans community,
I had been hoping to avoid making a public statement, but unfortunately, the actions and decisions of the perpetrator make it the only option to insure that ze will be held accountable, and that my safety needs will be met if I attend Camp this year.
Hazel/Cedar perpetrated sexual violence and coercion against me, coerced me into a relationship and coerced me to stay in said relationship through veiled threats of spreading lies about me and destroying my reputation in the community, constantly tried to distance me from my support network, has regularly made false accusations against people I love, and has consistently silenced my voice and attempted to control my emotions. Now ze is making accusations against me in an attempt to get me to not hold hir accountable, deny being abused, and set myself up to continue be abused by hir. All accusations ze has made about me are categorically and totally false, and undoubtably, so will all future accusations.
Ze coerced me into having sex with hir in May of 2008, using pressure tactics that would keep asking the same question over and over again until I broke down and said yes, meanwhile continuously violating my personal space more and more. Ze also coerced me into performing oral sex on hir without a barrier, which I previously said I absolutely did not do with casual hookups, and coerced me into performing various BDSM activities that I said were not an option at all for me that night.
Ze then decided we were in a relationship, and I was afraid to tell hir no to. Ze also began to try to separate me from social contact with anyone else in Philly in June of 2008, constantly demanding my attention, especially when I seemed to be talking to or otherwise occupied with anyone else. Ze attempted to continue this behavior at Camp Trans 2008, but, luckily for me, parts of my support network that ze refuses to deal with were there, and thus I was able to successfully interact with people other than hir.
Throughout the course of the relationship, ze constantly slandered the people I love and am close to, most notably Oliver, Kat, and cen, and also, upon my break up with Katie Kaput, ze told me she had said things about me that were completely false, causing me to avoid her for several months. Only by bumping into her and talking to her was I able to discover that conversations on the topic never even occurred between her and Cedar.
Throughout the relationship, ze tried to control my opinions, beliefs, and emotions, telling me what I was allowed to feel and think, and telling me that having certain, incredibly justified emotions toward anyone or anything was inherently oppressive, always with the implied threat that ze would attempt to destroy my reputation in the broader community if I did not keep myself silent.
In late April of 2009, ze attempted to silence my discussion of my experiences as a psychiatric survivor, and my position against psychiatric drugs, drugs which have caused me permanent neurological, physiological, and cognitive damage. Ze immediately twisted statements that I made, that had nothing to do with hir (especially since I am well known for supporting harm reduction, individual autonomy in medical choices, and the fact that one approach does not work for everyone), into statements about hir and hir choices, and then proceeded to make other false statements that had nothing to do with the topic at hand that were calculated to hurt me and scare me into silence, and to also hurt people I care about. I took this breaking off of contact as an opportunity to get an abuser out of my life, guessing (correctly) that ze would begin slandering me no matter what I did, and decided that I would handle the situation, if I decided I was able to attend Camp, with my support network as Camp approached.
Ze then recently contacted me again, trying to force an apology out of me, expecting that I would resume a relationship that I never wanted to be in in the first place, and had only been terrorized into in the first place. Given that it is not the responsibility of the survivor to work on their abuser, I briefly stated that I did not consider hir to be my friend or lover, said that ze had used coercive tactics against me, tried to separate me from my support network, and that ze had tried to silence me as a psychiatric survivor. I told hir that I wanted hir to go through an accountability process, and that I wanted no contact with hir until, at the very least, that occurred. What I wanted and expected was that ze would talk to someone known to the both of us to start that process, and that I could talk in more detail to that person, as I have no desire or ability to talk about my experiences of sexual assault and abuse with the perpetrator of that abuse, especially one who has abused multiple other people and had already begun false accusations against me in ways that while I would not immediately hear them, ze knew I would find out.
Ze instead made further false accusations for me, including that I was only doing this because ze had been a perpetrator before, and that accountability processes were power plays, and once again engaging in victim-blaming. This is a classic tactic of serial perpetrators: the fault always lies with their victims, and never with them. Even if they admit to having committed abuse before, that is just being used against them, rather than it being a pattern of behavior that they have failed to truly be accountable for and even attempt to change.
What I want:
-Is for the entire community to know that Hazel is a serial perpetrator, and for ze to never perpetuate abuse against anyone again, whether by people knowing that ze is a serial perpetrator who refuses to be truly accountable for hir actions, or hir actions actually changing.
-For the slander and false accusations against the people I love and myself to stop, and for ze to stop attempting to create rifts in my community here in Portland and the larger radical queer community.
-For hir to recognize that I have as much of a right as ze does to be involved with Camp Trans, and that as a survivor of abuse perpetrated by hir, I always have priority in access to spaces there over hir.
-I want this entire process to be transparent, as I believe that silencing survivors' voices and/or forcing them to rely on private communications is shaming and lets perpetrators keep perpetrating.
-If and when ze does enter an accountability process, I will clarify and work through how I want these things to be achieved.
What I need of the Camp Trans community:
-support in insuring that ze will not be in spaces I will be in at Camp.
-ability to work on specific projects related to Camp Trans without Cedar being involved; right now I am focused on the Race and Class Inclusion committee and medicking at Camp; other than that, I will likely put on a workshop and a performance, but right now I am unable emotionally to do any more than that. Also, I am still not sure if I will be able to attend Camp, emotionally, due to the extensive involvement Hazel has in organizing it and hir attempting to run all planning of Camp through hir.
-Help in making sure that Camp is a safer space for myself as a survivor of sexual and other abuse from someone involved in organizing Camp Trans, and also for members of my support network, who have been targeted by false accusations and attacks on their reputations by Hazel.
Once again, I wish that this statement weren't necessary, but given the unwillingness of this perpetrator to enter into an accountability process, and hir lies and false accusations against me, a survivor of hir abuse, I felt the need to set the record straight and put out in the open events that have personally hurt my ability to work with Camp Trans, and, I also believe, have hurt Camp Trans as a whole.
In joy and struggle,
Gauge Sparkly Purple Unicorn Freyjasbarn